A Lot Ask About Me

I know a lot of people ask Aaron about me. If you read my blog you know things are not great. I’m losing my positive attitude and feeling pretty defeated these days. I don’t know what to think of it all anymore. This isn’t the life I was hoping for. It is the life I’ve been given though and I really do try to make the best of it. I focus on my heavenly Father and find comfort and joy in Jesus. It keeps me going but barely.

Physically I’m dizzy a lot. I have headaches daily, and nausea every morning . Gavin spent a snow day cleaning up puke all day because I physically could not move. πŸ™ Weakness seems to never leave me. I just walked around a store for 15 minutes and I am now taking a break lying here blogging because I’m so tired. The grey skies bring me down. The messy unorganized house brings me down. That is usually where my energy goes. I’m trying to make things easier by organizing but it’s taking me a long time. I wanted to ask for help but realistically it’s something I need to do on my own .

Going through chronic fatigue and transplant it’s so difficult to know if it’s a result of treatment or if it’s depression. Are things mentally catching up to me? I don’t know. I’m working through it.

People ask what I’m doing, what I’m up to and I feel guilty answering because it’s usually “nothing”. I want to be able to say I’m doing all these great things but I’m probably lying on my bed doing nothing. People ask how I’m feeling and I feel guilty because I don’t want to say I’m doing bad. Im usually lying . Sorry 😒.

I’m thankful Aaron and I are going to get some downtime soon together and hopefully it’s the therapy I need.

Thank you all from church who reach out and send their love . Aaron always tells me. ❀️

Biopsy Results

As you know from my previous blog post, I have had some worries on my mind. I developed a white sandpaper like area on the roof of my mouth. 2 weeks ago they did a biopsy and took a chunk out of the roof of my mouth . Today I got the results. There is no cancer! I’m very thankful for this wonderful news . The downside is that what was presented was showing signs of something that will have to be closely monitored. The cancer oncology will be my dentist for the future until he feels like I’m in the clear. That gives me peace of mind . Another biopsy will be done down the road as well as x-rays.

I feel like my Heavenly Father has stayed close to me and carried me through these worrisome days. Things have not been easy mentally or physically and I just have to trust that Gods got this and pray for peace and comfort.

I am loving this snowy weather. We went to play in the snow at Aaron’s sisters house and I think the kids might go play some outdoor pond hockey. Enjoy the beautiful whiteness everywhere.

Worry, Fear, Exhaustion but Still Grateful

January is a tough month. I’m not one to dwell on what was and feel sorrow on specific anniversaries but for some reason this year was hard. I think I expected to be all better by now. January 25th marked 2 years that I have been fighting. I fight everyday. Maybe not to kill cancer with chemo but to get through my day. I spend many days in bed. I try to get going but my body doesn’t let me. I force myself out to do things I enjoy that don’t require a lot from me. That’s why you will often see me cheering on some sort of Credo sports team. I find a lot of joy in watching my kids .

There have been some new worries. Although my bloodwork looks fairly descent, there have been some physical ailments that have been on my mind. The pain in my wrists and fingers and hips can be rough at times. I saw a rheumatologist this week and she is suspecting tendinitis. I also saw a dentist at oral oncology yesterday. I have some white patches on the roof of my mouth and we aren’t sure what it is. It’s been there for a while. Yesterday a biopsy was taken and I should find out what it is in 2 weeks. It’s a pretty painful spot for a biopsy. Ouch! In the meantime I have a nasty cold bug. It seems to be in my bronchial tubes and makes it hard to breath at times. I am hoping my body can fight it in its own. I woke up this morning with swelling and pain under my left ear and jaw. Probably a lymph node from whatever virus I’m fighting. If it doesn’t go away tomorrow I will go visit my doctor. My BMT doctor has stopped IVIG treatments for now . It will be nice to have a break from this. It was decided that I will stay on a low dose of prednisone because it seems to give me what I need to handle food and gives me a small amount of relief from gvhd . I am starting a very slow taper of cyclosporine. This is my anti rejection medication. This is a big step! I tried to go off it before but developed gvhd in my stomach and was put back on it. So hopefully this time is a success.

In other news, I still have not booked a holiday for our family but I’m struggling to figure out where to go. I think maybe we will go away with the kids in BC somewhere and Aaron and I will go to Hawaii. Trying to get the whole family away is just not in our budget. Maybe I will take some snowboarding lessons and hit the hills with them . πŸ˜† ( not likely)

I am loving having my puppy Molly around. She is great company for me and brings lots of fun to our home. The kids are busy with sports and school. Aaron is busy with work and being Mom and Dad most of the time. 😒 I had my mom and Grandma take about 15 loads of laundry to clean for me this past weekend. It was wonderful. Today Grandma made me my favourite homemade soup. Yummy!

In other news Relay for life is coming up. I’m excited to participate in it again. If you would like to join my team, I would absolutely love it. We have so much fun every year. I asked the team if we could change our name to Cancer Crushers this year. Tania’s Troopers is great but I know so many people who I have lost this past year, who are fighting still and I want us to be united in support of everyone who is or did go through cancer. Please consider joining. It is a great family event too. Credo kids I would love it if you joined us! You don’t even have to know me. I promise to welcome you with open arms. Here is the link …. you can join my team through here or if you are unable to make it , you can donate. Thanks so much.

http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_BC_even_?px=7262996&pg=personal&fr_id=24846

40 things By 40

There are so many things I want to do by the time I’m 40. That’s only 3 and a half years away! So here it goes…

1. Fly on an airplane with my kids

2. Watch Gavin and Madison graduate

3. Watch Brandon graduate from grade 7

4. See a meteor shower

5. Be off all transplant related medication

6. Meet my stem cell donor

7. Organize every room in my house 😳

8. Go on a holiday with Aaron

9. Grow my hair to mid back length

10. Be officially cured of cancer ( 5 years post transplant)

11. Go visit Vandussen Gardens

12. Go to at least 1 concert a year ( May is Thomas Rhett)

13. Go on a hike ( this is very hard for me)

14. Go whale watching

15. See a broadway show

16. Make a quilt

17. Volunteer for cancer agency

18. Volunteer at Stepping stones Bible Camp

19. Rent a pontoon

20. Go in a hot air balloon

21. Try paddle boarding

22. Visit my family in Quebec

23. Watch all the Harry Potter movies

24. Learn to draw

25. Learn to crochet stuffed creatures

26. Visit Texas

27. Go to a Vancouver Canucks game

28. Help the homeless

29. Help someone dealing with cancer

30. Go on a weekend getaway with just Madison

31. Do a fun adventure with each kid

32. Build muscle back in my weak body

33. Read the bible from start to finish

34. Try snowboarding or go skiing for my second time

35. Write a book about my cancer journey for personal publication only

36. Take a course of some sort

37. Drive a race car

38. Make a comic book with Dylan

39. Renew my vows to Aaron

40. Take cooking lessons!

As I complete items on this list, I will let you know !

Happy 2019!

We had a super low key New years eve. Kids were all gone to friends houses and I was not well. Surprise, surprise. I still enjoyed my evening watching Crazy Rich Asian’s and a hallmark movie. Aaron was content. Thankfully.

No resolutions but to take it one day at a time. I also need to accept and be okay when God decides to interrupt my plans. We all know that happens.

I do have one plan . I want to go on vacation with my family. Probably won’t happen but it’s the best year with our kids ages and we have never gone away anywhere on an airplane. We need a vacation. Don’t we all? πŸ˜†

Happy New year everyone! Praying you have a healthy, wonderful year.

New Years Resolutions… Goodbye

As we are coming close to it being 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer, I reflect on what I have been through and what I have learned about myself and about life.

This time last year you can imagine how ready I was to say goodbye to 2017. From start to finish it was hard, crazy really to think about. This year has proven to be hard as well, with how much slower paced my life has become and how I expected to be all better but instead have struggles everyday. I should be ready to say goodbye to 2018 and I am but I think differently about resolutions.

Many people set resolutions for January 1st. Including me.While this is great to aspire to improve your health, your relationships , your spiritual life, your finances or anything really , we need to remember that everyday is a new day. You don’t have to wait for only January 1st. This year I learned to take things one day at a time. I think our expectations of ourselves are so high and once we give up on those January 1st , which often happens, we think, “well there’s always next year.” So try to go into January not with the all or nothing attitude but with the attitude that there’s a new day right around the corner.

Everyday resolutions for me …

Pray

Be happy

-Take care of my health

-In good and bad ALWAYS be thankful to God. He has a reason for what He’s doing

-Encourage others.

-Forgive

Make sure my kids feel loved

I could go on . If you pray and ask God to help you. He will. He sure has been by my side and leaning on God has helped me stay focused on daily goals and resolutions.

Galatians 6:8

Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

These pictures were taken 2 years ago to the day. I was at Mount Baker with my family and friends and I slept in the van at the top of the hill because I was sick. We didn’t know just how sick I actually was.

Joy in Giving and Joy in Jesus

Christmas is in full swing with lights everywhere and malls filled with shoppers, Christmas festivities and gatherings are well under way. It really feels like such a magical time of year.

Getting ready for Christmas is stressful though. If I’m being honest, that is the truth for me. I’ve had a hard time taking care of my family and myself that the thought of getting my house decorated haunted me. I love the decorations though and they got up with the help of my mom. Thank you Mom.

Aaron was kind enough to spoil me with a Christmas village that now sits by our fireplace. I love decorations everywhere. It’s a bit more subtle the last couple of years but I enjoy it so much. Last year I was in the hospital up until the 21st. So I am grateful to be home this year.

When I was a kid my favourite memories were walking next door to my grandmas house and helping her decorate her house. She had decorations covering every inch of her house. They would go up early and come down in March. No joke. She loved Christmas. She had the most amazing village. All made by her hands. She had tons of houses and buildings and if you looked inside there were little details down to lighting and furniture. She had a church and stores, replica of her home as a young wife in Quebec and of her home in Yarrow. She had trees and a skating rink. I do miss her so much. The most important thing about my Grandma was her love for Jesus. And everyone who came in contact with her knew He was her number one. She talked about Jesus non stop. I wish now I could talk to her about Him. I’m so happy that she could meet her saviour and be at peace with Him. I like to think a piece of her lives in me. She really was an inspiration.

As a kid and teenager and even now, I love getting gifts. I guess gifts are my love language. However, I am starting to realize that getting gifts is not as important as giving gifts and giving the gift of words , prayers and encouragement. I feel like this year my joy has been brought down as I shop . There’s this idea and tradition with society that we must spend, spend, spend. After years of spending money we don’t even have and watching the kids enjoy those gifts for about 5 mins it has me thinking , maybe overthinking the joy in giving. It’s a wake up call that things need to change. I know as my kids get older , gifts are a bit more practical but I keep spending because I think my kids will be disappointed if I don’t spend “X” amount on them. Will there memories be about the gifts they get? Or will they remember the time we gave to the homeless or a family in need? I think next year is going to be a lot different. We learn from these things. We have God working in us through The Holy Spirit teaching us these things.

These thoughts have been in my mind all week. I hope they encourage us all to look at those less fortunate and to realize material gifts are not as important. The joy in giving in a way that is joyful not stressful or a burden on your bank account and the joy in sharing the news of Jesus should be our focus.

With love,

Tania