Worry, Fear, Exhaustion but Still Grateful

January is a tough month. I’m not one to dwell on what was and feel sorrow on specific anniversaries but for some reason this year was hard. I think I expected to be all better by now. January 25th marked 2 years that I have been fighting. I fight everyday. Maybe not to kill cancer with chemo but to get through my day. I spend many days in bed. I try to get going but my body doesn’t let me. I force myself out to do things I enjoy that don’t require a lot from me. That’s why you will often see me cheering on some sort of Credo sports team. I find a lot of joy in watching my kids .

There have been some new worries. Although my bloodwork looks fairly descent, there have been some physical ailments that have been on my mind. The pain in my wrists and fingers and hips can be rough at times. I saw a rheumatologist this week and she is suspecting tendinitis. I also saw a dentist at oral oncology yesterday. I have some white patches on the roof of my mouth and we aren’t sure what it is. It’s been there for a while. Yesterday a biopsy was taken and I should find out what it is in 2 weeks. It’s a pretty painful spot for a biopsy. Ouch! In the meantime I have a nasty cold bug. It seems to be in my bronchial tubes and makes it hard to breath at times. I am hoping my body can fight it in its own. I woke up this morning with swelling and pain under my left ear and jaw. Probably a lymph node from whatever virus I’m fighting. If it doesn’t go away tomorrow I will go visit my doctor. My BMT doctor has stopped IVIG treatments for now . It will be nice to have a break from this. It was decided that I will stay on a low dose of prednisone because it seems to give me what I need to handle food and gives me a small amount of relief from gvhd . I am starting a very slow taper of cyclosporine. This is my anti rejection medication. This is a big step! I tried to go off it before but developed gvhd in my stomach and was put back on it. So hopefully this time is a success.

In other news, I still have not booked a holiday for our family but I’m struggling to figure out where to go. I think maybe we will go away with the kids in BC somewhere and Aaron and I will go to Hawaii. Trying to get the whole family away is just not in our budget. Maybe I will take some snowboarding lessons and hit the hills with them . 😆 ( not likely)

I am loving having my puppy Molly around. She is great company for me and brings lots of fun to our home. The kids are busy with sports and school. Aaron is busy with work and being Mom and Dad most of the time. 😢 I had my mom and Grandma take about 15 loads of laundry to clean for me this past weekend. It was wonderful. Today Grandma made me my favourite homemade soup. Yummy!

In other news Relay for life is coming up. I’m excited to participate in it again. If you would like to join my team, I would absolutely love it. We have so much fun every year. I asked the team if we could change our name to Cancer Crushers this year. Tania’s Troopers is great but I know so many people who I have lost this past year, who are fighting still and I want us to be united in support of everyone who is or did go through cancer. Please consider joining. It is a great family event too. Credo kids I would love it if you joined us! You don’t even have to know me. I promise to welcome you with open arms. Here is the link …. you can join my team through here or if you are unable to make it , you can donate. Thanks so much.


40 things By 40

There are so many things I want to do by the time I’m 40. That’s only 3 and a half years away! So here it goes…

1. Fly on an airplane with my kids

2. Watch Gavin and Madison graduate

3. Watch Brandon graduate from grade 7

4. See a meteor shower

5. Be off all transplant related medication

6. Meet my stem cell donor

7. Organize every room in my house 😳

8. Go on a holiday with Aaron

9. Grow my hair to mid back length

10. Be officially cured of cancer ( 5 years post transplant)

11. Go visit Vandussen Gardens

12. Go to at least 1 concert a year ( May is Thomas Rhett)

13. Go on a hike ( this is very hard for me)

14. Go whale watching

15. See a broadway show

16. Make a quilt

17. Volunteer for cancer agency

18. Volunteer at Stepping stones Bible Camp

19. Rent a pontoon

20. Go in a hot air balloon

21. Try paddle boarding

22. Visit my family in Quebec

23. Watch all the Harry Potter movies

24. Learn to draw

25. Learn to crochet stuffed creatures

26. Visit Texas

27. Go to a Vancouver Canucks game

28. Help the homeless

29. Help someone dealing with cancer

30. Go on a weekend getaway with just Madison

31. Do a fun adventure with each kid

32. Build muscle back in my weak body

33. Read the bible from start to finish

34. Try snowboarding or go skiing for my second time

35. Write a book about my cancer journey for personal publication only

36. Take a course of some sort

37. Drive a race car

38. Make a comic book with Dylan

39. Renew my vows to Aaron

40. Take cooking lessons!

As I complete items on this list, I will let you know !

Happy 2019!

We had a super low key New years eve. Kids were all gone to friends houses and I was not well. Surprise, surprise. I still enjoyed my evening watching Crazy Rich Asian’s and a hallmark movie. Aaron was content. Thankfully.

No resolutions but to take it one day at a time. I also need to accept and be okay when God decides to interrupt my plans. We all know that happens.

I do have one plan . I want to go on vacation with my family. Probably won’t happen but it’s the best year with our kids ages and we have never gone away anywhere on an airplane. We need a vacation. Don’t we all? 😆

Happy New year everyone! Praying you have a healthy, wonderful year.

New Years Resolutions… Goodbye

As we are coming close to it being 2 years since I was diagnosed with cancer, I reflect on what I have been through and what I have learned about myself and about life.

This time last year you can imagine how ready I was to say goodbye to 2017. From start to finish it was hard, crazy really to think about. This year has proven to be hard as well, with how much slower paced my life has become and how I expected to be all better but instead have struggles everyday. I should be ready to say goodbye to 2018 and I am but I think differently about resolutions.

Many people set resolutions for January 1st. Including me.While this is great to aspire to improve your health, your relationships , your spiritual life, your finances or anything really , we need to remember that everyday is a new day. You don’t have to wait for only January 1st. This year I learned to take things one day at a time. I think our expectations of ourselves are so high and once we give up on those January 1st , which often happens, we think, “well there’s always next year.” So try to go into January not with the all or nothing attitude but with the attitude that there’s a new day right around the corner.

Everyday resolutions for me …


Be happy

-Take care of my health

-In good and bad ALWAYS be thankful to God. He has a reason for what He’s doing

-Encourage others.


Make sure my kids feel loved

I could go on . If you pray and ask God to help you. He will. He sure has been by my side and leaning on God has helped me stay focused on daily goals and resolutions.

Galatians 6:8

Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.

These pictures were taken 2 years ago to the day. I was at Mount Baker with my family and friends and I slept in the van at the top of the hill because I was sick. We didn’t know just how sick I actually was.

Joy in Giving and Joy in Jesus

Christmas is in full swing with lights everywhere and malls filled with shoppers, Christmas festivities and gatherings are well under way. It really feels like such a magical time of year.

Getting ready for Christmas is stressful though. If I’m being honest, that is the truth for me. I’ve had a hard time taking care of my family and myself that the thought of getting my house decorated haunted me. I love the decorations though and they got up with the help of my mom. Thank you Mom.

Aaron was kind enough to spoil me with a Christmas village that now sits by our fireplace. I love decorations everywhere. It’s a bit more subtle the last couple of years but I enjoy it so much. Last year I was in the hospital up until the 21st. So I am grateful to be home this year.

When I was a kid my favourite memories were walking next door to my grandmas house and helping her decorate her house. She had decorations covering every inch of her house. They would go up early and come down in March. No joke. She loved Christmas. She had the most amazing village. All made by her hands. She had tons of houses and buildings and if you looked inside there were little details down to lighting and furniture. She had a church and stores, replica of her home as a young wife in Quebec and of her home in Yarrow. She had trees and a skating rink. I do miss her so much. The most important thing about my Grandma was her love for Jesus. And everyone who came in contact with her knew He was her number one. She talked about Jesus non stop. I wish now I could talk to her about Him. I’m so happy that she could meet her saviour and be at peace with Him. I like to think a piece of her lives in me. She really was an inspiration.

As a kid and teenager and even now, I love getting gifts. I guess gifts are my love language. However, I am starting to realize that getting gifts is not as important as giving gifts and giving the gift of words , prayers and encouragement. I feel like this year my joy has been brought down as I shop . There’s this idea and tradition with society that we must spend, spend, spend. After years of spending money we don’t even have and watching the kids enjoy those gifts for about 5 mins it has me thinking , maybe overthinking the joy in giving. It’s a wake up call that things need to change. I know as my kids get older , gifts are a bit more practical but I keep spending because I think my kids will be disappointed if I don’t spend “X” amount on them. Will there memories be about the gifts they get? Or will they remember the time we gave to the homeless or a family in need? I think next year is going to be a lot different. We learn from these things. We have God working in us through The Holy Spirit teaching us these things.

These thoughts have been in my mind all week. I hope they encourage us all to look at those less fortunate and to realize material gifts are not as important. The joy in giving in a way that is joyful not stressful or a burden on your bank account and the joy in sharing the news of Jesus should be our focus.

With love,


A Giveaway You Don’t Want to Miss!!!

Time is precious. When you wake up in the morning do you thank God for the time you have and for a new day? Everyday is such a gift and time doesn’t stand still so make sure you don’t waste it.

And how about this for a Christmas gift! It’s giveaway TIME!

I’m so excited to be teaming up with Zwanette from Rustic Pine designz and giving away this incredible 32 inch spool clock. Isn’t it beautiful! I wish I could enter!

So here’s what you have to do.

Share this blog post on Facebook.

Sign up for blog updates with your email.

Go like Rustic Pine Designz on Facebook


Just Not Okay

Life the last couple weeks has definitely come to a halt. I can barely get out of bed. I do get out but not until the afternoon before the kids get home. Fatigue is bad . Going up my stairs wears me out , blow drying my hair makes my arms give out on me. My appetite has declined. My stomach hurts and I’m pretty well nauseous until after lunch or longer. I do have better days where I don’t feel so sick but it’s becoming less and less. Vertigo has also come back.

I try to get out and watch the kids sports ( 3 play basketball and 3 play hockey) . It cheers me up and makes me feel like even though I am not very active, I am supporting them and being there for them. The pain of sitting on bleachers is very hard. My lower back is in bad shape as are most of the joints in my body especially my hands and wrists.

All this of course brings on feelings of guilt. Aaron is once again working his butt off being mom and dad . He really is an amazing husband. He takes really good care of me and the kids. He gets up super early and goes to bed late. He makes dinner if I am unable. Making dinner is my goal usually everyday. That and having a bath.

Prayers are always appreciated. My faith is what keeps me going. God has given us so much to be thankful for. All this sucks but God has given me my life and with or without pain, I am grateful.


Slow Motion

It’s 6:45 my alarm goes off to get Brandon up for school. He catches the bus at 7:25. I get up to wake him up but as I do I cringe in pain. My hips hurt really bad, they are stiff. My wrist feel like they’re on fire and my fingers don’t want to move. My feet are cramping and my legs too. Great that means pain in my legs for a couple days. The cramping pain hurts for days. As I walk over to wake him my head feels like it’s spinning. My skull is getting crushed and filling up with fluid . I need to sit back down until this passes . Finally I get Brandon up . He has to do everything on his own. Thankfully he’s 10 and is capable . I throw a coat on and walk him down to the bus stop. The cold gets to my bones. I feel it in the core. It’s hurts. He’s safely on the bus and I breath a sigh of relief that I made it this far. I go home grab a coffee and convince myself not to go back to bed. The other kids are up. They get themselves out to their bus. I am so thankful for them. All 4 have really learned to get things done without me. I’m just a coach in the background encouraging them to get going.

That was my morning . I decided to ask for help today and my mom is coming over. If I didn’t ask for help , I would go back to bed. I don’t want to waste my day away like the last 2 days. I need to still take care of my family. Aaron has been doing so much for me. If asking for help means it will get done, then I will swallow my pride. I think a clean house will help motivate me keep going. Thankfully I have no headache right now but that has been the biggest set back lately. I would love to see my Christmas decorations go up. I love Christmas and normally my house would be decorated by now.

In all the pain and fatigue that comes with transplant and low immunity, I see so much beauty in the people and relationships God has given me. You can’t go through life alone. Sick or not it is a blessing to be surrounded by support and love of family and friends.

Galatians 6:2 

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

What To Do …

I want to clarify my last post a bit. I think maybe I was just in a funny mood. I was sick and down because my days are so unpredictable. I know my purpose is to be a Godly mom , wife, friend and to take care of the needs of my family. What I’m struggling with is all the unpredictability. Sometimes it is lonely around here. Not lonely meaning I need people around but lonely with fatigue or wanting something meaningful to do. The quietness can get my mind going. I struggle because I can’t commit to things. I want to help and visit and enjoy things but I don’t want to cancel. I want to write a book on my journey for our family. I feel like I’m incapable or won’t be able to complete it. Starting it is half the battle. I want to make money so our family can go away on a holiday. But am not allowed to work . I dream of the day that we can finally do our getaway. I don’t want to just go away with Aaron. Being away from the kids is hard for me still. Too raw. Spending weeks and months away while being sick was just too hard.

This is the stuff that goes through my mind on a daily basis. Going off steroids I think is partly to blame. It puts you in a sort of depression. Not bad , just down. Once Molly is all healed up from her surgery I’m hoping to get out and walk more. This will help with the tiredness.

On a happier note, my doctors appointment yesterday went really well. I had almost perfect blood work. It was a real joy to see my results. It’s been over 2 years since my blood work has looked so good. There are minimal signs of gvhd. I’m almost off the steroids. I’m being referred back to the stroke neurologist to see if there’s something we can do about all these migraines. Many seems to be associated with the torn artery in my neck. Ct scan shows no tear so it must just be scar tissue . Who know. I’m hoping to get a nerve block or Botox in my neck to help with the frequency of pain. Right now it’s daily. In the mean time I have a 2 month break from visiting my hematologist. I have IVIG therapy next week to help boost my immunity and then things are pretty well low key until end of January.

I hope all my American friends and family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. This can be a hard time for those missing family members but try to remember that thanksgiving is about being thankful and God has surrounded us all with blessings. Look for those blessings and find joy in them. ❤️

The Unknown Journey

Psalm 42

42 1  As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. 2  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?3  My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” 4  These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. 5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation6  and my God.My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. 7  Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. 8  By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. 9  I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” 10  As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” 11  Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

The days are hard and unpredictable lately. My heart and mind struggle finding my purpose here on earth. Life has changed so much in the last 2 years. I don’t always know what to do with myself. I have had fatigue again this weekend and it makes me feel useless. The headaches and tummy aches come and go. I try to live each day in the present and not worry about the future but I have been. I won’t go into details on those worries. I will lay them before God. Recovery is a roller coaster and right now I’m caught in the twisty part that feels like it’s spiralling down and not knowing what curve or drop will happen next is scary. Some days are really good. Some days I don’t know what to do with myself. No sympathy needed. This is all part of my journey and I just need to learn how to navigate the hard times. I try to remember that everyday is a gift and find the joy in each day that God gives me . I know the blessings in my life outweigh the discomforts.