A New Season and Guilt

Summer has arrived! What a gift the seasons are. I am thankful for every season . I love summer because the sun makes me super happy . Fall is cozy and gives me a feeling of warmth even though the temperature is dropping. Winter we celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who has given me so much peace and joy in my life. The togetherness of family and friends. Spring brings the beautiful flowers. I definitely see beauty all around me in every season.

When I look back through the past couple years and see how this beautiful struggle has past by, it reminds me of how far I have come. I’m thankful I have documented through my blog. I see how strong I am mentally and physically. Though not as strong physically as a few years ago but a new broken body strength. The hardest parts are when I experience set backs. I have been keeping up with life for the most part. Volunteering , seeing friends more, doing my chores and cooking. It feels good. Then suddenly I am reminded that I am not in control. I have no immune system which is very hard on my body. It can stop me without warning. That is the case the last few days. I have been full of plans. It’s taken me a long time to make plans without being nervous about it. Life is unpredictable for all of us but for me everyday can change.

I spiked a fever on Thursday. I haven’t had a fever in a long time. The fever came with many other bad symptoms. Thankfully the fever has passed but all the symptoms remain. Even though I don’t have control over what’s happening I feel an incredible amount of guilt. I miss things, I get behind in chores, feel like a bad mom , a bad wife. I know this isn’t just a problem that I have . Having had cancer doesn’t single me out in this department. We all struggle with it. We struggle with keeping up with what is expected of us in our social circles , church, family , or whatever else. The reality is , that’s not practical. It’s not how we should be living. We need to live with the now we are given. God has chosen this life for us. We need to navigate it to His glory. Not what’s pleasing to the world. Not what we think our expectations are. We need to find contentment in the gifts we are given from His hand. I may be sick but I am alive. I have people around me who love me even though I am not making them gourmet dinners or keeping up with their laundry.

Hebrews 10:22

Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

If I focus on what God has taught me and live in love and in all circumstances show that love , my guilt will be washed away. It’s a work in progress for me. Especially showing love to myself.

Matthew 11 :28-30

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

God gives me rest . He gives me peace and understanding. He is who I need to focus on . If I do that , even when I am unable to do much, then I am fulfilling all my duties.

This is a place for me to write and clear my head. So if you read this, thank you for being part of my journey.


4 thoughts on “A New Season and Guilt

  1. Reading this while on my way for my semi annual CT scan thank you for your thoughts they are a help to me and others and our thoughts and prayers are with you. The Lords strength.

    Like

  2. You are in the prayers of many and we give thanks for you and your testimony of God’s faithfulness in ALL circumstances. Hope you are feeling a bit better by now.

    Like

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