Still Uncertain

I know I haven’t updated but I haven’t had anything positive to say. I try to always keep my head up but it’s hard when there is so much going on.

We were told by my BMT doctor that everything regarding my biopsy was ok . So the relief of colon cancer had washed away. Well a week later Aaron and I went and saw the gastroenterologist and her news wasn’t bad but was not good either.

The small polyp was removed and had pre cancerous cells. This isn’t uncommon. It’s gone and nothing to worry about. However the large polyp is in a complicated location and was also pre cancer but had a few worrisome characteristics. The biopsy taken was very tiny and only on the surface. So there’s some concern about what’s underneath.

The talk was that due to it being complicated she couldn’t remove it. She gave a couple options and said I could see someone higher up who could possibly remove it or remove a section of my colon. There are risks with both. If removed through a colonoscopy the chance of recurrence is high and if it does come back the chance if it being cancer are even higher. Also if it ends up being cancer , I will have to have part of my colon removed anyways. Part of me thought, just take the section of colon out.

In the end after the other specialist looked at video and photo taken, he believes he can try and remove it. So May 2nd I have been booked in for a couple hours to try. If no cancer is found they will be monitoring me closely.

I have been very nauseous and fatigued again lately. Sometimes barely getting out of bed . I do have good days occasionally and I am always thankful for that. I struggle with the unknown and do fear the worse based on how I have been feeling. At the same time I stay close to my faith and am reminded that no matter what, God is always good and He is the author of my life and that comforts me. It makes me feel ok that I can not control the outcome.

Thanks to those who read this and continue to pray for me. We appreciate the love and support.

Only God Knows What’s Next. Please Pray .

I have been feeling pretty good the last few weeks. I’m thankful for all the sunshine we had last week, it really brightens my mood and gives me energy. I was able to spend some great time with Brandon while the other 3 kids had other things going on. We went to the park with friends, enjoyed ice cream for lunch in Fort Langley and took Molly for a walk to look for birds. I was thankful I was able to do all this.

This week is a little more low key. I seem to be fighting some stomach issues. It’s not uncommon for me but leaves me feeling tired and run down. That’s why I take things one day at a time. I am feeling a bit more comfortable making commitments. I am happy to be stepping out and helping where I am needed. I do come with a warning, ” as long as I’m ok”. However I feel like it helps me not feel so secluded from life. I enjoy being around other people and it feels really nice.

However the future is never certain. As far as leukaemia goes, I’m good! I’m thankful for that. I have some concerning spots in my mouth that need to be monitored but I am not worried about it. A biopsy has been done and another one needs to be done in April but I’m feeling ok with it.

I did have a colonoscopy last week Monday that does have me worried. The results couldn’t come quick enough. I’m trying to distract myself so I don’t think too much about it. The reason I had it was because last year they found a small polyp while looking for gvhd. I had taken my blood thinner so they couldn’t remove it. Due to me being high risk for secondary cancers it was decided to do a full colonoscopy. I honestly wasn’t expecting anything else to be found. Unfortunately a large ugly looking polyp was found. I watched the whole thing and cannot get that picture out of my head. Another doctor was called in. I don’t remember what was said ( I had a bit of sedation) . However the doctor didn’t want to talk about it with me until I wasn’t on any sedation. She wrote a note on my paper to discuss surgery because it’s too large to remove via colonoscopy. She also wrote that my kids and siblings need colonoscopy starting at 30 instead of 50. So I wait.

I know God has my life planned out and I know if this is cancer that I’m pretty tough and can kick it again with Gods help. The thought of going through it terrifies me though. So I’m reaching out to anyone who follows me to please pray that this is not cancer. I really feel like things are starting to get better for me and I just can’t imagine going back down this road.

Sunshine Feels Good!

Well you can check #8 and # 14 off the bucket list.

# 8 – go on a vacation with Aaron ✅

#14- go whale watching ✅

That’s right folks, this lady got to enjoy the sunshine in Maui!

We decided fairly last minute that the sun and a holiday away would be beneficial for both of us. It has been a very long time and with things being so rough, we just bit the bullet and did it.

To be away from home and not be in a hospital was a great feeling. I did have many moments that I missed the kids but FaceTime was pretty great for that.

The weather was very nice. Not too hot but enough for Aaron to burn. 24 degrees Celsius was the average. I wore a lot of sunscreen . I have to take care not to get skin cancer. As should everyone.

We went on a couple adventures. Whale watching and snorkeling was the highlight of my trip . I enjoyed it so much . It was always a dream of mine to see whales in the wild and I saw an abundance of them. They were right beside our boat several times. We could watch them from our lanai too. It was amazing.

We also jumped in the water and swam with turtles and fish. It was pretty cool. I had to swim with a belly floaty and a board. With the fatigue it wasn’t worth the risk. I did get tired and so I’m thankful for the care and concern I received from Gemini. They fed us a delicious meal too!

Aside from this we went to a luau. The Drums of the Pacific was the one we chose. Mainly because it was at our resort. Once again amazing food and the entertainment was spot on.

About a 15 minute walk away was Whaler’s village . It was a cute little shopping place with a few restaurants. We ate there a couple different times. Food was always delicious.

On our final full day we rented a car. To our surprise and excitement we were upgraded to a convertible because they were out of the Ford Fusion. It was some sort of Buick. It was fun to drive around Maui with the roof down. We went all over. Visited a few little places Paia, Kihei, Lahaina. My favourite place was hookipa beach. This is where we watched surfers of all sorts and watched a monk seal swim and visit on shore. There were also tons if turtles.

I really could go on and on but I think I will leave it at that. We are both feeling refreshed and a little less stressed out. I came home with new goals to push myself and not hide so much. I came home to a clean house and happy kids. Thank you Mom and everyone else who helped make this trip possible. We feel so thankful that we could get away.

A Lot Ask About Me

I know a lot of people ask Aaron about me. If you read my blog you know things are not great. I’m losing my positive attitude and feeling pretty defeated these days. I don’t know what to think of it all anymore. This isn’t the life I was hoping for. It is the life I’ve been given though and I really do try to make the best of it. I focus on my heavenly Father and find comfort and joy in Jesus. It keeps me going but barely.

Physically I’m dizzy a lot. I have headaches daily, and nausea every morning . Gavin spent a snow day cleaning up puke all day because I physically could not move. 🙁 Weakness seems to never leave me. I just walked around a store for 15 minutes and I am now taking a break lying here blogging because I’m so tired. The grey skies bring me down. The messy unorganized house brings me down. That is usually where my energy goes. I’m trying to make things easier by organizing but it’s taking me a long time. I wanted to ask for help but realistically it’s something I need to do on my own .

Going through chronic fatigue and transplant it’s so difficult to know if it’s a result of treatment or if it’s depression. Are things mentally catching up to me? I don’t know. I’m working through it.

People ask what I’m doing, what I’m up to and I feel guilty answering because it’s usually “nothing”. I want to be able to say I’m doing all these great things but I’m probably lying on my bed doing nothing. People ask how I’m feeling and I feel guilty because I don’t want to say I’m doing bad. Im usually lying . Sorry 😢.

I’m thankful Aaron and I are going to get some downtime soon together and hopefully it’s the therapy I need.

Thank you all from church who reach out and send their love . Aaron always tells me. ❤️

Biopsy Results

As you know from my previous blog post, I have had some worries on my mind. I developed a white sandpaper like area on the roof of my mouth. 2 weeks ago they did a biopsy and took a chunk out of the roof of my mouth . Today I got the results. There is no cancer! I’m very thankful for this wonderful news . The downside is that what was presented was showing signs of something that will have to be closely monitored. The cancer oncology will be my dentist for the future until he feels like I’m in the clear. That gives me peace of mind . Another biopsy will be done down the road as well as x-rays.

I feel like my Heavenly Father has stayed close to me and carried me through these worrisome days. Things have not been easy mentally or physically and I just have to trust that Gods got this and pray for peace and comfort.

I am loving this snowy weather. We went to play in the snow at Aaron’s sisters house and I think the kids might go play some outdoor pond hockey. Enjoy the beautiful whiteness everywhere.

Worry, Fear, Exhaustion but Still Grateful

January is a tough month. I’m not one to dwell on what was and feel sorrow on specific anniversaries but for some reason this year was hard. I think I expected to be all better by now. January 25th marked 2 years that I have been fighting. I fight everyday. Maybe not to kill cancer with chemo but to get through my day. I spend many days in bed. I try to get going but my body doesn’t let me. I force myself out to do things I enjoy that don’t require a lot from me. That’s why you will often see me cheering on some sort of Credo sports team. I find a lot of joy in watching my kids .

There have been some new worries. Although my bloodwork looks fairly descent, there have been some physical ailments that have been on my mind. The pain in my wrists and fingers and hips can be rough at times. I saw a rheumatologist this week and she is suspecting tendinitis. I also saw a dentist at oral oncology yesterday. I have some white patches on the roof of my mouth and we aren’t sure what it is. It’s been there for a while. Yesterday a biopsy was taken and I should find out what it is in 2 weeks. It’s a pretty painful spot for a biopsy. Ouch! In the meantime I have a nasty cold bug. It seems to be in my bronchial tubes and makes it hard to breath at times. I am hoping my body can fight it in its own. I woke up this morning with swelling and pain under my left ear and jaw. Probably a lymph node from whatever virus I’m fighting. If it doesn’t go away tomorrow I will go visit my doctor. My BMT doctor has stopped IVIG treatments for now . It will be nice to have a break from this. It was decided that I will stay on a low dose of prednisone because it seems to give me what I need to handle food and gives me a small amount of relief from gvhd . I am starting a very slow taper of cyclosporine. This is my anti rejection medication. This is a big step! I tried to go off it before but developed gvhd in my stomach and was put back on it. So hopefully this time is a success.

In other news, I still have not booked a holiday for our family but I’m struggling to figure out where to go. I think maybe we will go away with the kids in BC somewhere and Aaron and I will go to Hawaii. Trying to get the whole family away is just not in our budget. Maybe I will take some snowboarding lessons and hit the hills with them . 😆 ( not likely)

I am loving having my puppy Molly around. She is great company for me and brings lots of fun to our home. The kids are busy with sports and school. Aaron is busy with work and being Mom and Dad most of the time. 😢 I had my mom and Grandma take about 15 loads of laundry to clean for me this past weekend. It was wonderful. Today Grandma made me my favourite homemade soup. Yummy!

In other news Relay for life is coming up. I’m excited to participate in it again. If you would like to join my team, I would absolutely love it. We have so much fun every year. I asked the team if we could change our name to Cancer Crushers this year. Tania’s Troopers is great but I know so many people who I have lost this past year, who are fighting still and I want us to be united in support of everyone who is or did go through cancer. Please consider joining. It is a great family event too. Credo kids I would love it if you joined us! You don’t even have to know me. I promise to welcome you with open arms. Here is the link …. you can join my team through here or if you are unable to make it , you can donate. Thanks so much.